It seems like humans are getting relationships and life, really – very wrong. They tend to lean towards, and I am going to be rather harsh here in my assessment, “canine tendencies”. And the facts are well, canines will pick up any old junk and run with it and will befriend even the human’s greatest foes with the right treat or scratch behind the ears.
So, obviously who better to ask on the matters of the heart and the great insight into life’s intricacies, than a panel who have nine lives each and are from the absolute superior race – known by plebs as felines. Because clearly humans, canines and anybody really could and should learn from us.
Due to our generous nature to enlighten lesser species and claw out the err of their ways, we have started a Meow-Gany Aunt Section. A few plebians sent in their questions and our expert panel answered it.
I will leave you to it then…
QUESTION TO CAT PANEL 1:
Dearest Prof Kuhie
I am having a terrible time at work with one of my colleagues. As I walk into the office, they are loud, abrasive and way to eager. In fact, I’m a few espressos behind the said individual. The colleague is also someone you can’t trust. They pretend to be one thing and appear kind and hardworking but step over, step on and drip poison in all colleagues’ ears to serve their interests (we call them snake tongue as a nickname). This all would be fine and dandy, but they also steal credit for others hard work and won’t think twice before throwing other people under the bus, so to speak. Please let me know what I can do. This is driving me nuts.
Stressed To Wits End Susan
Dear Stressed To Wits End Susan
Firstly, are you on catnip? From personal experience, catnip turns any situation around (and around, and around and around). If not, this is where you start. Secondly, when entering the office, it is best to walk as close to the walls as possible, don’t look at the individual (never make eye contact) and just sit. If they greet you, pretend they don’t exist and lick your palm. If they approach, quickly run away or climb under your desk. At this point, if they approach further, biting and scratching will teach the snake-tongue their lesson. Regarding the situation about work credit blah blah (I got bored)… it’s always best to offer a goodwill offering to your boss; something that will discredit the loud snake for good. I suggest a squished, decomposing bird, or half-eaten rat head, although a pressed locust or decapitated snake (poetic and symbolic – sublime!) are also favourable. Just leave it on your boss’ laptop or lunchbox and wait for the screams of delight. If all else fails, just disappear for a few weeks without warning and one day stroll in and eat your lunch and pretend nothing is amiss.
Prof Kuhie – Workspace Meow-cologist
QUESTION TO CAT PANEL 2:
Dearest Dr Chekitty
I am tired! Just so tired of being underappreciated by my family. I clean! I cook! I pack lunches! I vacuum! You name it – I do it. And nobody says thank you or helps. I hate conflict; so, I don’t like bringing it up. But it drives me up the wall when I get home and hear “what’s for dinner?”. And to top it off I have to give massages, back scratches and provide midnight (sometimes 3 am snacks). I want to blow my lid. But I am terrible with conflict. So here I sit, silently brewing. What advice do you have for me?
Good Meowning Desperate Doreen
Firstly, you said you vacuum? That needs to go. It’s noisy, annoying, terrifying and in my expert belief, your only problem. If I was your family, I would hate you – that’s how strongly I feel about a vacuum dependency. So, invest in a quiet broom and mop – sloth is a deadly sin. Meowving along and vacuums aside… in my expert, well-informed and highly-esteemed opinion, you need to get rid of your family and the dog for good measure. They don’t seem worthy of your skills and abilities. So, put them out on the street. Now your home is sufficiently de-cluttered and you can bring in stuff that will truly make you happy – a two-metre scratch pole, catnip toys, catnip, tuna, biltong, blankies, catnip, empty boxes and a few cats and some catnip. You are adequately trained to have the awesome privilege of hosting several cats in your life. The snack routine, the massages and scratches etc. will now be bestowed on way more worthy beings than before and that must make you happy.
It’s your pleasure.
Dr Chekitty –Conflict Meowdiator
QUESTION TO CAT PANEL 3:
Dearest Dr Munchkin
I struggle so much. All I want to do is eat all the food in my fridge. I want all the food in my pantry and all the food in the shops. I look at my family’s leftovers and takeaways and I have to stop myself from eating all of it. I smell food through the packaging and feel like I must eat it. I am tired. So tired. Please, I need help.
Kind and desperate regards
Dearest Fat Amy-Leigh
I can truly sympathise with aspects of your message. Other parts I just don’t get. Like what is stopping you from eating everyone’s food? Eat your family’s food and leftovers. Tear into the food packaging instead of smelling it and suck out the contents (especially if it is tuna and when everyone is sleeping – it’s more fun). And you are tired! No wonder. Just eat everything and then nap and eat and nap and eat and nap. Never stop yourself from eating and napping and doing what you want at any given moment (even at the expense of others). The only exception is when your family has spent a lot of money on buying a fancy meal (something really special and expensive) – then do not eat it, even to the point of starvation.
Enjoy eating and napping (hopefully less whinging).
Dr Munchkin – Dietician and Meowtritionist
QUESTION TO CAT PANEL 4:
Dearest General Lulubelle
In all spheres of my life, I tend to shrink back. I don’t assert myself properly. In fact, I will even go as far as saying – “I am a pushover”. I need someone to help me be confident, stand my ground and defend myself especially at work but even in my relationships. What can I do?
Cathy Needs Confidence
At Ease Cath
I’d say what’s up but clearly not you. Here are my tried and tested methods. Firstly, it is important that you map and mark your territory. This includes you rubbing your neck on everything you want, and scratching surfaces. You can even rub up and down people to own them. Secondly, the best defence is offence – push out your chest and randomly run up to people, put your face in their face and swat them in the face; chasing people around also helps. Herding and pushing people around food tables or the water fountain also have some added benefits. Finally, perhaps you should take a vow of silence and just eye people psychotically – generally, folks fear silence and individuals just staring at them with serial killer eyes. Especially if you alternate between the staring and randomly charging and swatting them. This is best done when your opponents are vulnerable – when they are on the loo, asleep, in the zone typing on their laptops or switching the lights off and alone.
Now pull up your socks for kitten’s sake!
Gen. Lulubelle Catty Confidence Coach
Do you have any scenario or question for the panel? Send it to [email protected] and the meowriffic panel may be of assistance.
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BIG DISCLAIMER: Although the cats’ advice above may leave the impression that cats are mean, unfeeling, unloving creatures – any proper cat parent will know cats are very misunderstood. They may be aloof, quirky, downright strange and calculated but they also show love uniquely, beautifully and bring laughter and brightness to any caring home.